Dear Diary,Here I am again. This time I just want to let you know what’s going on inside me. There are so many emotions swirling around in there at the moment. It makes me feel like I am going crazy and it was only today, March 4, 2013, that I realized that I am still grief stricken.

The irritability; lack of interest in some things I used to love; impatience with all things petty; lack of focus on some things and obsession with others; the sudden burst into tears or feeling of wanting to cry makes me realize that all the losses I have faced have not been dealt with.

I didn’t say goodbye or saw anyone of my family who passed away just before they died. My grandfather died in England and I didn’t get to attend the funeral. My brother’s body has not been found so there was no funeral. I missed my uncles funeral because no one told me in time.

Dear diary, how much more of this can I take? When will I get past all this hurt?

I try to take it one day at a time but some days are worse than others. Please, diary tell me what to do. I know I can’t go on like this.

I try to place my anger at the people responsible for my brother’s demise, I try to place that anger constructively  but I don’t think that I am doing a great job at it.

Sometimes I feel a soreness where my heart is suppose to be and I feel like I can’t breathe. I know it’s not physical. I know a panic attack when I feel it and I try to calm myself but it’s so hard.

Dear diary, help me!

2 thoughts on “Going Through The Motions

  1. Dear Carolee, you need to spend some time with a very good friend, and I would say a good female friend who’s even older, and one you trust without reserve. I know you have at least one that fits that description. So go to her, even if you aren’t sure, and pour out your heart. She might surprise you with her empathy.
    Your friend way up north,
    James

    1. Hi James, I really don’t have a friend like that…it’s really a shame but I am doing my best to cope, that’s why I write.

      Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it.

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